Monday, December 24, 2012

Santa's New List

Today Kaylee was playing with her toys and pretending she was adding them to the Naughty and Nice lists and she was writing their names in her notebook as she went. Most of her toys were making it onto the Nice list, but then she got to Barbie. She said "Barbie, you're not naughty, but you sure can be annoying. I think I'm going to have to make an annoying list just for you!" And then she tore out another piece of paper from her notebook, and she made an annoying list just for Barbie.

Friday, December 21, 2012

I am a Candy Cane

Today I wore a shirt that says "I'm not short, I'm elf sized."
Kaylee loved it and tried to memorize what it said so she could tell her friends. At first she repeated it perfectly, but a few hours after she tried to memorize it I heard her saying "I'm not large, I'm a candy cane!"
How bad is it that I didn't correct her?

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Grapes and Dogs

So Kaylee is in the living room eating grapes and our dog, Jasper, is in the living room watching her eat grapes when this conversation begins:

Kaylee: "Mom, can Jasper eat grapes?"

Me: "No, grapes are poison for dogs"

Kaylee: "Jasper, spit that out!!!"

Me: "Did Jasper try to eat a grape?"

Kaylee: "Um, no, why?"

I can't imagine why I would have jumped to that conclusion!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Kaylee Inherited My Road Rage

Kaylee and I were on our way home from her school when the car in front of us stopped for a green light. I had to stop somewhat suddenly and mumbled a few things under my breath while I waited on the other driver to recover from their mistake. Just as we started to move again Kaylee begins yelling form the backseat "The light is green! That means go! That guy needs to see a Doctor because he is blind!"

Is road rage hereditary?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Kaylee wants a brother or sister

Today my child asked me to "get" another child. She and I have discussed several times that you cannot simply go to the store and buy a baby. I think this time she meant just go to the park, grab a child, and go home...should I be worried?

What is that on the wall?

I think my child chewed up a tootsie roll and then stuck it to the wall. I've convinced myself of this because otherwise, I don't want to think about what I just peeled off the wall.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Kaylee's Opinion on Gay Rights

After trying to explain to Kaylee what the word "gay" meant and explaining that some people think gay people should not be allowed to be together (i.e. get married) this is what she said:

Kaylee: "Why do those people think it's any of their business?"
Me: "I know, right?"

Friday, December 7, 2012

Kids Today and Their Camera Phones

In January of 2011 my mother noticed my daughter examining her cordless house phone and asked Kaylee what she was doing. Kaylee looked at her and said "Grammie, how do you take pictures with this phone?" Ahhh kids today and their newfangled technology... 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Caught Vomit in My Hand


Warning...this post gets kind of gross. Please don't read if you have a weak stomach. 

Up until recently my daughter had not had a stomach ache that ended in vomiting since she was too young to remember. She came home one day last week with a stomach ache and we tried everything we could think of to make it go away. I kept trying to explain to her what it feels like when you are about to vomit and told her if she felt like she needed to do that, to aim for the toilet. 
A couple of hours later we were sitting in the bathroom when she makes what I recognize to be a vomiting sound. I start trying to get her to aim for the toilet but she panicked and seeing that she was about to throw up on the wall and rug, I automatically stuck out my hand to catch the sick. After it was over, my daughter looked down at what she had done, and said "oh, is that vomit?" I said yes and she said "oh, ok." And then she just walked out of the room to go play with her Barbie’s, leaving me standing there with a handful of her vomit. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Cars with Leather

Almost two months ago we purchased a new car. Someone I know spent a lot of time convincing me to go leather since I have a child and spills are easier to cleanup on leather than traditional fabric. I resisted for a while because I don't like the smell, I don't like the leather conditioning and other maintenance involved, I don't like thinking where the material came from, etc. Eventually it became easier to find the car I wanted with leather than it would have been to find it without, and since others were urging me to get it as well, I bought a car with leather.

Cut to last weekend when my dad asked me to pick up fast food on the way to his house. I handed Kaylee her drink and didn't think anything more about it. A few minutes later as we're driving down the road I hear Kaylee go "this leather is great Mom! It doesn't soak up the drink or anything!"

I think it's time to thank the person who talked me into getting leather.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Adventures at Brasstown Bald

Back in April of 2010 Kaylee went on a hiking trip to Brasstown Bald with me, my cousin Andrea, and her now husband Mark. Assuming you don't know Mark, I will go ahead and tell you that he has the energy of a three year old, and since Kaylee was three at the time it worked out perfectly.

At that time, Kaylee thought pooting was great. She spent the whole trip singing songs about pooting which she made up herself and Mark provided sound effects to go with the songs.

When we got there I brought out the stroller so if Kaylee got tired I could push her. The problem was, she and Mark had bonded now thanks to the pooting songs so if Mark was walking, Kaylee was walking. Not only did she walk the whole trail, she pushed her own stroller.


The way up was mostly uneventful, but on the way down we learned a few things.
1. If you tell a three year old not to let go of the stroller, the first thing they will do is let go of said stroller.
2. If you let go of a stroller anywhere near a cliff, it will go over the edge. Luckily it was only about a 10 foot drop.

3. If Mark gets a walking stick, Kaylee gets a walking stick.

After we reached the car I gave Kaylee a bottle of water to drink. About an hour and a half later I realized she had spilled about half of the bottle in her car-seat and just sat in it the whole time, never saying a word. She was soaked from her thighs to the middle of her back and apparently she was just fine with that. 

When we stopped at a drugstore so I could run in and get something, probably related to Kaylee's water spill though I can't remember exactly what it was, I came out of the store to find Andrea giggling and Kaylee singing along to the song "So What" by Pink. She spent the next couple of months repeating the only lyrics she could remember from that song which were "I wanna start a fight!"

Who says hiking isn't an adventure? 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Why Yes, My Child Does Love Dr. Who

Kaylee: When we get home can we watch the movie about the doctor?
Me: Doctor Who?
Kaylee: Yeah, that's the one.

Well played child, well played. 

Is it Christmas Yet?


We've reached that magical time of the year where Kaylee wakes up every morning and says "is it Christmas yet?" Followed by "well when will it be Christmas?" and "A few weeks??? You said that yesterday!"

It's like a holiday version of our family road trips.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Five Year Olds and Fuzzy Math

This morning my daughter told me that she had a dream that we had thousands of pet bunnies. She said that at night, all of the girl rabbits, of which there are 3, would sleep in her room with her. Meanwhile all of the boy rabbits, of which there were about 100, would sleep in mine and my husbands room along with the dog. Sounds cozy right?

So I asked her where all of the other bunnies slept. She asked me what I was talking about, so I reminded her that she told me we had thousands of bunnies and that she had only told me where 103 of them slept. She just rolled her eyes and said "Mom, 103 bunnies IS thousands of bunnies."

I'm so glad she could clear that up for me.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

The Beatles vs Katy Perry

Kaylee and I were in the car this morning and a Beatles song came on. I decided that would be a great time to teach her about the Beatles and how great they were and that they changed the music industry, etc. etc.

So when I'm done with what must have been a 15 minute speech she says "ohhhh, so they were like Katy Perry then?"

It's good to know she understood what I was saying.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Slacker Mom


One weekend in August I was explaining to Kaylee that we can't get a new toy she wants because it's too expensive. And she says "well are you going to work today?" so I say "no" and she says "well maybe that's the problem!" Apparently I'm a slacker.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Kaylee's First Crush

There is a little boy, Jacob, in my daughter's karate class that we always joke is her first "crush." She's not really old enough to understand about boy-girl relationships, but the two of them interacting before and after class is just adorable.

The instructors will frequently have the kids form lines with one line being girls and one line being boys, and the girls line is almost always shorter than the boys. When that happens sometimes the instructors will let the girls pick who will join their line to even the two groups up. Whenever Jacob is there, that's who Kaylee picks.

Tonight the instructors had them line up twice, the first time Kaylee was allowed to pick Jacob. The second time, the instructor said that the girls couldn't say the same name as before. When he got to Kaylee she said "Jake" and the instructor reminded her she had to pick someone different this time, and she sighed and picked another boy.

After class I reminded her how she needed to work on paying attention in class, and asked her why she said Jacob again even after the instructor said they couldn't pick the same boy. She said "but mom, I didn't say the same name twice. The first time I said Jacob, and the second time I called him Jake."

That's my child, always finding the loopholes and fighting the man...

Elf on a Shelf - Snowflakes Made of Earwax

This is the first year we have participated in "Elf on a Shelf" and my daughter is fascinated with him. Last night he decided to make a snow flake out of cotton swabs on the kitchen counter. My daughter thought it was cute and couldn't wait to tell her friends, but apparently she cannot remember to call them cotton swabs or even q-tips. All day she keeps telling people that her Elf on a Shelf made a snowflake out of "ear wax thingies." I can only hope people figure out what she means and don't imagine a giant snowflake shaped pile of earwax on my kitchen counter.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Runaway Children

About a week ago Kaylee and I are shopping at Target in the shoe section. There are two women there shopping with their children, a boy and a girl who look like they are around 3. The little girl is walking next to the cart and being quiet and well behaved while the boy is in the cart and being ridiculously bad. At one point his mother tried to put a pair of shoes on him and he threw them back at her, hitting her in the face, and said "NO, I DON'T LIKE THEM!" to which the mother responded "I'm sorry, which one's do you like?" A few minutes later I hear the little boy asking to be let out of the cart, I'm thinking to myself that surely his mother won't do this since he can't even behave in the cart, but she does. As soon as his feet hit the ground, he takes off running, the little girl immediately takes off as well. The little boys mother runs after him and quickly catches up to him and back into the cart he goes. The little girl continues running, her mother yells her name a few times and yells no and stop several times, and only actually takes a few steps towards the girl who is still giggling and running away. I realized she was heading straight for the front doors and started to think I would have to run after her myself or she would end up running out the door and being hit by a car, when the mother of the little boy asks "well do you need me to go after her?" and the girls mother finally seems to realize she should do something. They both take off after the little girl, who immediately runs to the left, away from the front doors.

My daughter daughter and I resumed shopping after the women disappeared and after what I thought was enough time for the women to get out of earshot I said "if you ever do anything like that I will spank your butt." Kaylee said "I know mommy." What I didn't realize was that the mother of the little boy had walked up the aisle behind me she announced with a huff and a nose in the air that "we don't spank our children." As I was about to respond Kaylee looked her in the eye and said "oh I can tell."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Left One

Tonight during dinner Kaylee began coughing after taking a bite of food. After my husband gave her a drink to clear her throat she tells us that what she was chewing must have not gone down the right pipe. "It must have gone down the left one," she says.

Decapitation Leads to Blindness

My friends and relatives have been telling me for years that I need to write down all of the brilliant things that come out of my now five year old daughter's mouth. For  example when she was four and I was going over my to do list out loud (yes, yes I talk to myself), she came up to me, sweetly patted me on the hand and said "Mommy, I really wish you'd quit that, it makes you sound crazy." Shortly before she turned five, as I was getting up off the floor after helping her practice her karate she says "mommy, when you bend that way, you look like you're going to have a baby."

Last night her story was finally over the top, and it pushed me to start this blog. We're buckling up our seat belts after getting in the car "Mommy, my teacher told me that her friend wasn't wearing a seatbelt and she was in a wreck and she went through the window." "Oh no," I said, "was she OK?" Kaylee responded "well, it cut her head off." So I said, "then what happened?" At this point I expected my child to respond that the lady had died, showing that she understood the moral of the story. Instead, Kaylee said "I think she couldn't see anymore after that." 

So ladies and gentlemen, let this be a warning, if you are decapitated, you will also be blind.